Geordie Shore - What Now?

Who would have thought, when it all started out, that the word poignant would be used in connection with Geordie Shore. But that is how this latest series ended. Our little gang of reprobates have, sort of,  kind of, in a  way, grown up. Sending them to Cancun for Spring break really shouldn't have been shot through with melancholy, but it was. Our happy go lucky group, much like the Wild Bunch, had to start looking beyond their guns. That is not to say they let us down on the entertainment front, it's just that edge of 'what now?' had crept in. 

The series had it's outrageous highs the: frighteningly restrained Vicky suddenly going crazy bat ape, first on Ricky (is that how he spells it?) then on the camera crew was fantastic television. Also, arguably the star of the series, Charlotte and her ongoing obsession with bodily fluids, mainly the evacuation of them and usually all at once, only matched by her on going obsession with Gaz; and their very modern romance. Wouldn't we all love a pound for every time she said 'I don't care about Gary' this series, but theirs wasn't the only, sort of, romance in the show. James and his, always doomed, quest to 'bang worldies' ended up with him constantly  'banging' Holly. He blamed his lack of success on his injured knee, but I think we all know the comb-over Geordie doth protest too much. Holly came across very well this season, apart from the drunken trashing of the villa, but then again most all of them had a crack at that. Becca (is that how she spells it?) found herself a bit of a spare cock at the wedding, most of the time, and there were entire episodes where it felt she ended up on the cutting room floor. Sophie got home sick, missing the computer generated Joel when he went home, but she had the air of someone whose heart wasn't in it anymore. But the true King of that was Jay, a man who has previously run roughshod over everything in his path, suddenly found the drunken, defecating antics of his pals all a bit wearing. His declaration that he was leaving Geordie Shore was greeted, by the rest of the bunch, like he had just told them he had two weeks to live.

    

So where does the show go now? They can't possibly stick the survivors back in the Newcastle house again. Perhaps we could follow them in their lives away from the 'tashing' on, getting mortal (is that how they spell them?) and endless puddles of vomit, or perhaps just leave them to wander into the sunset. Then we could all feel we have moved on.

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Fifty Shades of Geordie Shore

Allow me to be the five millionth person to write that sending the Geordie Shore crew to Cancun is like sending coles to Newcastle. 

But the producers didn't ship our confederacy of dunces all off, to Mexico, together. I suppose putting that lot on one air craft is a guarantee it gets an emergency landing and armed marshals storm the plane. So they entered the villa in dribs and drabs and obviously Vicky was left until last, mainly so everyone else could have a pleasant few days, before she hits. 

Gaz told us how he will have to adapt his game to suit Cancun, what works on a drunken night in Newcastle, might not transfer, so readily, to a drunken night in Mexico but he need not of worried, it appears his skills are universal. James, still sporting his trademark comb over, took with him a hundred condoms and we all know he will come back with a ninety nine; he'll probably keep his keys and money in the other. Jay is 'loved up', with a girlfriend back home, so he is only in Cancun for the cultural tours and a spot of sunbathing. I'm sure it won't be too long before we see fifty shades of Jay. Sophie left her Popeye armed boyfriend, Joel, back in Blighty then  got annoyed when she phoned him and he was actually out with girls. This made her so angry she 'slut dropped' her way to first prize in a dry humping competition. You had to feel proud, shame it's not an Olympic sport.  Charlotte, the Oscar Wilde of Geordie wit, is her usual self. Making out she is not bothered by Gaz, and the parsnip, then everything she does is in reaction to him. Beckie and Holly were just, sort of there, they really don't pop like the rest. And Holly without eye make up is unrecognisable.

Our happy go lucky bunch kept saying how they were going to meet Mexicans, but when they did meet one, in the shape of their 'new boss', Cancun Chris, who looks like a heavy in a Steven Seagal film, they didn't like him. Mainly because he gave them orders, like don't touch his special bottle of tequila, on the top shelf of his bar. Now this might be a Brear Rabbit type ploy because saying 'don't touch the tequila' to these bozos is  basically giving them an invitation to knock it back. It would be nice to think it is pure laxative or something, but this mob crap and throw up all the time, so I'm not sure they would even notice. Well Vicky and Ricky turned up near the end of the show all luvvie dovey; but I am sure it wont be long before Vicky cries havoc and lets slip the dogs of war. 

The Geordie Shore crew like to call themselves a family,on the evidence of what we have seen so far, I think Charles Manson would approve.

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Geordie Shore - Chlamydia Heights

Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it. So, like an idiot, I came back to Geordie Shore. But what was I expecting? A whole new change of format, where nine philosophy graduates, from Newcastle University, sit on sofas and talk about the state of the world. No, much as I'd like to think I'm that lofty, I wanted more of the same, with the same cast of devil may care cretins. And boy did I get it. But we did get two new characters to spice up the pot in the shape of Ricci (sic) and Rebecca. New not different. With the exception of Greg all our old faves were back on board. 

We got the early scene where Charlotte's mum told Gaz, basically, not to do her daughter in the hot tub and not to make her cry. You didn't need to be a philosophy graduate from Newcastle University to figure out exactly what would happen there. But even I was shocked by the speed it transpired. The ascorbic Vicky and the crazed, computer generated, Sophie both have boyfriends now so they declared there would be no 'tashing on' (is that the phrase?) for them. Well, after one episode Sophie's promise is still intact. As you would expect, Vicky went for new girl Rebecca like a lion goes for a gazelle and you always get a good belly laugh when Vicky complains about someones attitude. I'll bet she has a fight when she looks in the mirror. Of the others Jay is still basically Jay, and I don't know how he missed out on the part of Bane in the upcoming Batman film. And Holly is pursuing James like Pepe Le Pew used to chase after those cats he thought were skunks. On the upside we have a new house Chlamydia Heights, which looks like a converted warehouse probably so all the mess can be easilyscooped up and skipped at the end of the series.

The first episode was much like every other we have seen. I love their almost maniacal passion for those Groundhog Day nights out they have. One of the joys of this episode was Rebecca saying she was 'classy' only for a cut to her blind drunk and falling off the bed in instalments. This mob are obviously a gift to the programme's makers. So I'm sure we will be in for much much more the same, but it's what we want. To quote Michael Corleone ' Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in'.

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Georide Shore - Magaluf Madness.

What a great idea, classic fish out of water stuff! Take the Geordie Shore crew, who do nothing but bonk, booze, and fight and yank them right out of their comfort zone. So what to do with them, a cultural weekend in Vienna, an opera at La Scala? No, stick them in a villa in Magaluf.

Yep, as sequels go Magaluf Madness was very much more of the same but with better weather. In fact the only people who didn't think it was very much more of the same were our Geordie heroes. "It's Magaluf!" they would exclaim, then do exactly what they do in Newcastle.

The only slight twist was each 'character', for want of a better word, had their own, sort of, storyline.

Would the ascorbic Vicky be able to keep her acid tongue in check?.... She couldn't. Would Sophie be able to stay virginal for the week?.... She couldn't.
Would Jay assiduously bonk his way through the Magaluf phone book?.... He did.
Would Charlotte and Gaz spoon then fork?.... They did
Would Charlotte deeply regret it in the morning?.... She did.
Would Gaz shrug his shoulders and crack on?.... He did.

That left the main dramatic thrust of the show, no pun intended, could Greg and James 'tash on' before the end of the week? They moaned about the lack of opportunity, like they were in the Alaskan wilderness, while Jay was upstairs knocking off the Magaluf netball team. Would they, could they? This was edge of the seat stuff and we were all rooting for them, no pun intended. Well they didn't. Crest fallen they made their way home with the rest of the crew. The show seemed to finish abruptly, no 'what were the lessons learnt' no hindsight.

Surely this must be the last we see of this confederacy of dunces. They've played their part, mildly entertained us, now it is time to wave them a fond farewell as they bonk, booze, and fight their way into the distance.

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Geordie Shore Has Great Sci Fi Potential.

Has anyone else been following that excellent new Sci Fi show? You know, the one where a group of people are mysteriously put in, what appears to be a terrace house and doomed to repeat their actions endlessly. It's a dark, distorted view of life in the not too distant future, it is called Geordie Shore.

A nasty twist on Groundhog Day, the eight characters wake up, moan and argue, then go out of an evening to get drunk, fight, copulate, then go to sleep only to do exactly the same thing the next day. Frightening and soul destroying, in equal measures, Geordie Shore is excellently acted by the largely unknown cast. Although, if I have to gripe, the female characters look too similar. None of the actors names are given at the end of the show, adding to the gloomy realism. But I think we must spare a thought for the poor actor who plays Jay, it must take hours in make up applying that bulky body prosthetic. The only solid contact our heroes have with the real world is through a red telephone box. I feel here we have echoes of the classic 60's show The Prisoner. The mysterious boss gives them meaningless tasks, which they reluctantly do. What are the reasons for these tasks, do they have meaning and will they all loop in and tie the show together? Also it is not clear why the characters seem so reluctant to leave the titular Geordie Shore. Although Holly did briefly depart only to reappear more or less unnoticed. My theory is she died and is now a ghost.

Season one has set the scene nicely, now season two must take the show on, telling us why the male characters need to be so pumped up and the females are so needy and in search of family. Also the tasks and the dark Groundhog Day thing need to be explained. Geordie Shore has great Sci Fi potential but let's hope it doesn't fall into the traps Lost did. Do we really need Charlotte and Vicky to find a mysterious hatch, or Greg to move the terrace house back and forth through time, I think not. But, watch out Torchwood, Geordie Shore is coming to get you!

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