Poundland of Terror part 3

A young child screams uncontrollably, an old woman moans, and some idiot says, "How much is this?" Yes, it's the return of Poundland of Terror. I'm here to tell you what I have found lurking behind the thousands of Anthony from Big Brother's 70's Workout DVDs.

First up, the deadly dull Perfect Creature. The film is set in some sort of futuristic alternative Dickensian type universe. ( Yeah, I know ) A place of urchins, airships, and vampires, known as the Brothers. The Brothers are looked upon as benevolent, superior beings and then one day, wouldn't you know it, one goes rogue and starts spreading some blood virus, I was a little too bored to really understand what it was supposed to do. But it was a virus, I got that much. Anyway, he is hunted by a vaguely driven police detective (Saffron Burrows) and an enigmatic Brother, as if these dudes need to get any more enigmatic. He is played by Dougray Scott, who is usually quite good, but here his entire performance consists of him cocking his head and uttering monosyllabic nonsense. The whole film is an over stylised, Underworld tinged, arse numbing, bore fest that made me wonder why I wasted a whole pound on it.

Next on the conveyor belt is Welcome to the Jungle. Done in the Blair Witch sty-le it is the story of four idiots who go in search of missing multimillionaire Michael Rockefeller. Rockefeller was supposed to have disappeared in the jungles of New Guinea back in 1961, never to be seen again. So our moronic quartet set off to solve the mystery and get a reward. The film is a slow burner, concentrating more on the fears, and stupidity, of the characters. This makes the mayhem, when it does happen, and it does happen, all the more frightening. I liked it and it won't be making the trip to the charity shop.

Unlike WAZ, which is already nestling on the shelf of the local Oxfam. It is an object lesson in how to waste a decent cast. Stellan Skarsgard, Melissa George, and Tom Hardy, yes that Tom Hardy, all wander around looking lost in this Saw meets Seven tosh. They should call these knock offs Sawvens, then we would all know to avoid them.

Last up is The Lodger, where someone is copying the killings of Jack the Ripper in modern day LA. But, before you moan and wander away, this is a good, well acted thriller. The cast including Alfred Molina, Hope Davis, and Simon Baker play it very straight faced and there are some neat nods to Hitchcock. All in all worth a pound of any one's money.

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Poundland of Terror Part 2

Yet again I have scoured the Poundlands and 99p emporiums to bring you some of the horrors that lurk behind the old fishing and faded celeb workout DVDs.

First off today is Open Graves, a kind of Jumanji meets Final Destination, with a hint of Hellraiser thrown in for good measure. A group of American surfers in Spain, are given an old board game, Mamba, which was made from the skin and bones of a witch who was tortured and killed by the Spanish Inquisition. Yeah, I think we've all played one of those of a dull Christmas day afternoon. Needless to say if you die in the game you die in real life. That's about it. Proceedings are livened up, a little, by the presence of geek Goddess Eliza Dushku, but other than that it's pretty forgettable. If you don't feel like enduring the film watch the trailer, all the best bits are in it and it gives the end away.

A bit better is Trailer Park of Terror, which starts off as a revenge tale, as Norma witnesses the death of her boyfriend at the hands of a bunch of trailer park bullies. Then, with the help of the Devil, country star Trace Adkins, goes on a shotgun rampage. Curiously the tone changes and the rest of the film becomes a slasher as a group of 'troubled' high-school students, and their teacher, wind up in the titular Trailer Park of Terror, now inhabited by the zombies of Norma and all those she murdered. Don't ask me how. It is supposed to be based on a comic book, but isn't everything these days.

Let's finish with the worst 30 Days of Night: Dark Days. A dreadful sequel to, well, 30 Days of Night, another comic book adaptation. It makes for sad viewing, because I like the first film a lot. There should be a law against these shoddy follow ups. This is every bit as bad as those Starship Troopers sequels. Thankfully Melissa George had the good sense to give this a wide berth. So the unimpressive Kiele Sanchez now plays the role of Stella as she goes around doing 'show and tells' about what happened in the first film. In LA she gets involved with a bunch of vampire hunters (yea I know) and goes after the queen who was behind the destruction of Barrow. Or I think that's what it is about. I really lost interest long before the frankly very silly ending. If you see this on the Pounland / 99p Store shelf, get the faded celeb workout DVD instead.

I'm starting to think these horrors for a quid are a bit of a false economy, but I'll crack on. At least you get a cheery smile from the person in the charity shop, as you donate them, well until they open the bag that is.

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Poundland of Terror

Not that the film makers would jump for joy, but you can pick up some not too bad horror DVDs in Poundland these days. And I'm not talking about some bashed up old Bela Lugosi, but contemporary films, some that even had a cinema release. In the first of an occasional series (I've always wanted to write that) I'll take you through the best and worst of what I've found on the shelves of that most hallowed of stores.

First off is Colin, a zombie film told from the zombie's perspective. We follow Colin's adventures as tries to make his way home, slowly decomposing as he goes. Strangely, what it most reminded me of was the old Burt Lancaster film The Swimmer where Burt swims from pool to pool, making his way home to an uncomfortable truth. Here Colin is physically breaking apart, unlike Burt's mental breakdown. The idea is much stronger than the film and Colin's encounters get a little tiresome at times. The sleeve boasts : The £45 zombie movie! Now I've bought one, they only need to sell 44 more in Poundland to break even.

Roland Joffe started out making such bona fide epics as The Killing Fields and The Mission. You don't need to be a genius to know things have slipped since then, because now he is making Pound shop classics like Captivity. Where Elisha Cuthbert, forever remembered as the trouble prone Kim Bauer, is in trouble again as she is held prisoner by one of those unfeasibly ingenious serial killers. In fact this one is so inventive, with his contraptions and gizmo's, that he makes Jigsaw look like Peter Griffin. The film gets sillier and sillier, as it goes on and you'll be miles ahead of the twists in this blunt Saw-alike.

Best of the batch is The House of the Devil, a kind of throwback to the late 70's early 80's horror film. I could quite easily imagine it being support on a double bill back then and giving the main feature a run for its money. A cash strapped college girl accepts a babysitting job at a house in the middle of nowhere. Never a good idea and even worse when Tom Noonan, of Manhunter fame, is offering it to you. It's a slow burner, more mood than gore, and the tension builds and builds, Captivity could have learnt a fair few lessons from it. The House of the Devil is one to grab for a quid, if you see it.

That's all for now, but with Halloween on the horizon, I'm sure the aisles of your local Poundland will be full of horrors, and that's just the customers. Don't go alone!

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