Celebrity Big Brother - "Who are they?"

We have all seen the ad, where herds of former BB contestants celebrate the fact that Big Brother will be taking over. Now these are some of the busiest people in show business, so if they could find time in their very hectic schedules to promote Channel 5's reboot, the least I could do was watch.

I'd heard the rumours about who was going into the Celebrity Big Brother house, Charlie Sheen, Mike Tyson, Fabio Capello, even Elvis! So I was full of expectation as the show started, what would Charlie and Fabio talk about? But as we got going it all seemed pretty familiar. The long walk way, the sad vaguely excited crowd with their production company made banners and the dulcet tones of Marcus Bentley. Big Brother without his voice would be like Darth Vader without James Earl Jones.

The first change was the presenter, none other than Brian Dowling, who looks like the result of what would happen if you put Ant and Dec in a blender. After a few minutes, I heard myself utter a sentence I never thought I'd say "I miss Davina McCall" Sad but true, I longed for her shouty enthusiasm. In retrospect, it did take talent to get excited about this kind of stuff. Nostalgia is a bitch.

After a bit of Brian banter and the first of many, many ad breaks we were ready for the main event, the celebs. Writing now, I can shake my head woefully but, last night I was full of hope. In a moment of delirium, I did wonder if Elvis would come back from the grave for Celebrity Big Brother! I could hear Brian Dowling screech "You thought he was long dead, but he's been in hiding all these years for this moment...It's Elvis Presley!" We got Kerry Katona. And we would have to wait right until the end before we got anyone as 'famous'

OK, I know who Amy Childs is and Tara Reid is Bunny Lebowski but that was it. As so called celeb after so called celeb trotted out, I found myself paraphrasing BB legend Nikki Graham, shouting "Who are they? Who are they?" Even after Brian Dowling had told us who they were, I still didn't know who they were. Then as the mumblings of the wet, disappointed crowd was drowned out by the sound of barrels being scrapped, we hit bottom. Some model bloke who wouldn't even recognise himself wandered out. It just made you wonder how long the 'NO!' list must have been. We needed a big finish, had they saved back Charlie Sheen, or Mike Tyson? No, it was Jedward. But I found myself excited that I had actually knew who they were. But not excited enough to finish the show, I switched off.

Disappointment hit me like a tsunami. I had no enthusiasm to see how this motley bunch of idiots would gel in the house. I doubt even Davina could muster that much enthusiasm and that's saying something.

Over

William and Kate The Movie - Gloriously Shameless

You have to hand it to Channel 5, not only did they have the sheer guts to show William and Kate The Movie, but they also crammed all their ad breaks in the first seventy minutes. They probably knew all right thinking people would have had more than enough of it by then, but this was so dreadful that it needed to be savoured from start to finish. Firstly we had Nico Evers- Swindell (I've never heard of him either) as William. There was no physical resemblance to Wills, in fact Nico looked more like Ben Fogle on steroids. Plus he seemed to be about seven feet tall and was far too big for the cheap looking private jet scenes. Then we had Camilla (I kid you not) Luddington as Kate. I really hope they paid the poor girl a lot, because tosh on this scale can be a career killer. Rounding things off we had Ben Cross, who probably couldn't have foreseen this nightmare coming when he was in Chariots of fire, as Prince Charles. Of all on show, Mr. Cross was well sort of, in a way, the best of a bad bunch. However, why he made Prince Charles walk like John Inman is anyone's guess.

I'm no expert on the background of Wills and Kate, but it's fair to assume this wasn't exactly, one hundred percent accurate. The University scenes, where the happy couple met, seemed like a cross between Mean Girls and The Twilight Saga (William- Vampire Prince, now that's a film I'd like to see.) Then we had all the posh friends, William's cohorts were so bad I thought Jar Jar Binks was going to turn up "Meesa sooo happy for you Wills"

The Middleton's were portrayed as a motley bunch of commoners, who in one glorious scene were sitting around the telly eating their breakfast. like something out of Shameless. Plus they were helpless in the face of the rabidly frenzied paparazzi... Poor loves

Add to the mix was a scene where Wills serenades Kate, karaoke style! And another where Kate dives into a lake to get to her beloved. You can see the sheer scale of the glorious awfulness we had to put up with! We even got the confrontation between William and Prince Charles over Diana, but even that was fudged and quickly shoved aside.

The whole thing ended with the proposal in a tent set against an African sunset. Anyone who has seen The Only Way Is Essex, will know what Glamping is, and Wills and Kate were glamping in style.

They say you can't polish a turd, well I'd say, Channel Five have certainly got the Mr. Sheen out for this one.

Over

The Home and Away Universe - The Stewart Conundrum

As you all know the first part of the Home and Away action mini series, The Stewart Conundrum, has aired. Ignore those critics that said it turned Alf Stewart into Jack Bauer. This is what happened.

The show opened with Alf Stewart hanging from a tall building by just his finger tips. Standing above him, a shady is about to stamp down on his hand.

"You flamin' galar!" Alf yells as the foot comes down.

Cut to a screen that reads: One week earlier.

As we know from the epic Home and Away cross over. Alf has gone in search of his sister Celia, after she was threatened by Mangrove River crime boss Josh Flamin' West. Alf goes to the last place Celia was heard from. Deep in Central Africa. But when the local officials say they don't know who she is, Alf is a picture of restraint.

"What'd you mean you've never flamin' heard of her. Celia, she's a little Sheila. She's been doin' missionary work here for donkey's years"

But the local officials are adamant, Celia has never been there. Just as Alf is about to really lose it. Someone shouts his name. He turns around to see Sally standing there. Shocked and surprised he hugs her.

"Sal! What are you doing here?"

"But Mr. Stewart, I got a telegram telling me to meet you here. You said it was life or death."

Shocked, Alf tells Sally the whole Josh Flamin' West story. And they realise the pair of them have been lured to this inhospitable place. But by who, and why? Alf phones Morag to tell her of developments. But she has shock news.

"It can't be Josh West behind all this Alfred. He was found dead in his cell this morning"

"Is he really flamin' dead?"

"Yes, this time, I saw him with my own eyes" Morag replies. "Be careful Alfred we don't know who is really behind all this. But we do know you and Sally are in grave danger! Rest assured I will start digging at this end"

As Alf and Sally leave the local offices, they are approached by a well dressed man.

"Mr. Stewart? Celia has sent me, she is in hiding. Powerful people are after her. Come quickly"

"Now wait a minute"

But before Alf can say anything more, gunshots ring out, just missing them.

"Come, quickly!" the stranger yells beckoning them into his jeep. With shots pinging everywhere Alf and Sally jump in.

"If I get me hands on those flamin' galars!" Alf shouts as they speed away. "Now what exactly is going on here mate?"

"All will be explained, when we get to Celia" the stranger smiles. "But at the moment, we have a couple of more pressing problems"

"What are they?" Sally enquires.

"We are being followed and it appears our brakes have been tampered with"

"Hogan's ghost!"

"My thoughts exactly" replies the well dressed stranger.

To be continued.

Over.

The Home and Away Universe - Part 2

As anyone who follows these insane ramblings will know, the Home and Away universe has never been stronger. Boasting two new spin offs Morag Bellingham Investigates and Mangrove Rising. Well it was only a matter of time before we got the three episode cross over and here it is.

We start with Morag Bellingham Investigates. Morag is handling what seems to be a routine case, when she is urgently called to the City. She gives her idiot assistant Lance, the easy task of delivering the case papers to the Mangrove River Police. Then heads off. But when she gets to the City she realises she has been lured away. Morag decides to investigate why and doesn't like what she finds.

Episode two takes us to Summer Bay. Instead of going straight to Mangrove River, Lance decides to pop in and see his mum, Colleen at the Diner. While there he chats to Xavier. Who decides to go to Mangrove River with Lance. This is not out of character, because, as we know, if it's a choice between the right decision and the wrong one, Xavier always plumps for the wrong one. So two of the greatest idiots in Home and Away history set off for Mangrove River.

Episode three starts with Elijah, aka Power Prawn, following up a lead. As we know he has been investigating a new crime Kingpin who has moved into Mangrove River. And is flooding the area with cheap drugs. His enquiries have lead him to the bush. We see Lance and Xavier arguing over a map as they drive to Mangrove River. Then as he emerges from the brush, they sideswipe Elijah. Still arguing about the map, the moronic duo have no idea what they have done. Elijah lays in the undergrowth injured and unconscious. ( a tried and tested, solid staple of both Home and Away and Neighbours you'll agree.)

When Elijah fails to contact him Donald Fisher, who you will remember is Power Prawn's Alfred figure, starts to worry. As we all know there is never any mobile phone signal in the bush. So he sets out in search. Arriving in Mangrove River Lance and Xavier realise they have left the case papers on the Diner counter. Phoning Colleen, Lance says he needs the papers right away, or Morag will throw a fit. Unable to leave the Diner, Colleen asks a bored Ruby if she will take them. She agrees and sets off.

Don is having no luck finding Elijah. Realising that without Power Prawn Mangrove River could descend into drug addled anarchy he is distraught. Meanwhile Lance and Xavier are being followed, when they come out of a coffee shop the are bundled into a car and told to hand over the papers. Their protestations land on deaf ears as they are hauled up in front of the new crime Kingpin of Mangrove River. It is none other than the long presumed dead Josh 'flaming' West!

Will Elijah be found?... Will Ruby deliver the papers?... Will Morag discover what is going on?... Will Lance and Xavier be rescued? Will sanity ever return to this column?

Over.

The Home and Away universe.

As you may know I am unhealthily obsessed with expanding the Home and Away universe. So I now think I have a second spin off. If you have been following my insane rambles you already know my first Spin off was Morag Bellingham Investigates. A legal/Murder She Wrote type show set in Yabbie Creek. Now comes my second... Wait for it... Mangrove Rising. The Home and Away superhero Power Prawn realises that all the real crime in the area originates from Mangrove River. A fact most Home and Away viewers take as read anyway. So he sets up shop there. And who better to be Power Prawn than the martial arts vicar Elijah. sermons by day, kicking ass by night. But Power Prawn will need an assistant, an Alfred figure, and who better than Flathead himself, Donald Fisher. Washed up and depressed he finds himself in Mangrove River. Elijah befriends him and together they fight the myriad criminals of Mangrove River.
Great ah?... Well imagine the three way cross overs that will happen as Morag and Power Prawn team up. Suddenly, and you've got to admit it, the Home and Away universe is looking very exciting. Shame none of it is real.
Over

A Summer Bay Super Hero!

I used to think I'd like to live in Summer Bay. You know, have lunch at the Diner, swap gossip with Colleen over a smoothie. Followed by a wander along the beach, then have a swift half in the Surf Club, before whiling the afternoon away talking rubbish with Miles and Alf. Perhaps finish off the day trying to woo Marilyn.

But these days I'm not so sure. With Penn Graham not yet cold in his grave, another bunch of larrikins have descended on the bay. Descended in the nasty shape of The River Boys. An unsavoury surfer gang, is there any other kind?, from Mangrove River. Now as all Home and Away viewers know, Mangrove River is not that nicer place. And certainly no Yabbie Creek.

We got our introduction to the River Boys at Angelo's ill conceived Singles Night. They never learn these Home and Away characters. Organise a function in the Bay and get ready to watch wholesale mayhem. Neighbours seldom goes in for this sort of thing. They trundle along with the sneerings of Paul Robinson.

It is like Summer Bay cannot survive without a constant stream of loons, psychos and gangs. What Home and Away needs is its own Super Hero. Power Prawn,or something along those lines. He, or she, would certainly be kept busy. Yes, Summer Bay needs Power Prawn!

Over

The Vanessa Show

I read somewhere this week that the Vanessa Show, is only pulling in 40,000 viewers a day. So, always a fan of minority activities, let's face it how many people are reading this? I decided to tune in. And oh boy is it dull. It's not even incompetent or funny, just dull. It's not exactly helped by the set, which looks like an open plan bed sit. But what the show most resembles is one of those programmes you find when you go on a mad channel hop. Down there on Propeller or the Caravan Channel. Although I think I'm doing the Caravan Channel a disservice.

Vanessa is her usual shouty self and she is accompanied by her real life partner Ben. Ben looks uncomfortable and ill at ease, like a kid visiting a mad aunt. But on the up side today's guests were Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie. No sorry, that should be Josie and John James from last year's Big Brother. My mistake. They wittered on as I hit the fast forward button. Plus six seemed to do the trick and I think I still got the gist. That was followed by a very long, dull segment with a dream whisperer, or something. Vanessa had trailed this item by saying can you make money out of your dreams? But that wasn't followed up as every caller said they had dreams their teeth were falling out. The irony that most of the small band of viewers were probably dropping off at that moment, seemed lost on our intrepid heroes. Next up on this smorgasbord of delights was a gossip segment. Where the collected brains trust felt sorry for Alex Reid and thought Ricky Gervais was funny. Then all too swiftly, it was over. But, oh boy had they saved the best until last. Ben got up and sang about the week on the Vanessa Show. I kid you not. He went through all the guests and all that had happened. Not a lot, seemed to sum it up. What made it even more cringe-worthy was the fact Ben has a good voice. So he was taking it seriously. I don't think I'll tune in next week. Well not until Ben's singing spot anyway.

Over.

The Vanessa Show - Weekdays on five at 11am.

Jack The Ripper - The Definitive Story.

Fans of bad acting should tune into the second part of Five's Jack the Ripper- The Definitive Story. (Thursday 20th at 9.00) If the first episode was anything to go by, we’re in for a treat. It's a docudrama, light on the docu, even lighter on the drama. It seems like we've all been Jack the Rippered to death. With, what feels like ten thousand documentaries all boldly announcing a different, it's definitely him, killer. Who is promptly rubbished in the next documentary. But, like I've said, the true joy of The Definitive Story is the acting. The makers have obviously blown the, slender, budget on their state of the art, (Radio Times words not mine) re-creations of Whitechapel in 1880. So when it came to hiring the talent to people their world, the coffers must've been empty. Sending out the message to agents, give us your cheapest. There were some real great acting moments. But the real high was the witness with the urinary infection rushing to the toilet. He is supposed to have heard one of the victims fall against his fence in his mad dash to relieve himself. But instead of being poor, ill, and in discomfort, the actor bowls jauntily out of his back door, jumps, as if startled by a car backfiring, then continues to bowl merrily to the toilet. He looks more like he's wandering along Brighton seafront, than a mad dash for the khazi. Let's hope for more moments like this in the second ripping installment.

Over.

Jack The Ripper - The Definitive Story

Channel 5 - Thursday 20th January. 9pm.