William and Kate The Movie - Gloriously Shameless

You have to hand it to Channel 5, not only did they have the sheer guts to show William and Kate The Movie, but they also crammed all their ad breaks in the first seventy minutes. They probably knew all right thinking people would have had more than enough of it by then, but this was so dreadful that it needed to be savoured from start to finish. Firstly we had Nico Evers- Swindell (I've never heard of him either) as William. There was no physical resemblance to Wills, in fact Nico looked more like Ben Fogle on steroids. Plus he seemed to be about seven feet tall and was far too big for the cheap looking private jet scenes. Then we had Camilla (I kid you not) Luddington as Kate. I really hope they paid the poor girl a lot, because tosh on this scale can be a career killer. Rounding things off we had Ben Cross, who probably couldn't have foreseen this nightmare coming when he was in Chariots of fire, as Prince Charles. Of all on show, Mr. Cross was well sort of, in a way, the best of a bad bunch. However, why he made Prince Charles walk like John Inman is anyone's guess.

I'm no expert on the background of Wills and Kate, but it's fair to assume this wasn't exactly, one hundred percent accurate. The University scenes, where the happy couple met, seemed like a cross between Mean Girls and The Twilight Saga (William- Vampire Prince, now that's a film I'd like to see.) Then we had all the posh friends, William's cohorts were so bad I thought Jar Jar Binks was going to turn up "Meesa sooo happy for you Wills"

The Middleton's were portrayed as a motley bunch of commoners, who in one glorious scene were sitting around the telly eating their breakfast. like something out of Shameless. Plus they were helpless in the face of the rabidly frenzied paparazzi... Poor loves

Add to the mix was a scene where Wills serenades Kate, karaoke style! And another where Kate dives into a lake to get to her beloved. You can see the sheer scale of the glorious awfulness we had to put up with! We even got the confrontation between William and Prince Charles over Diana, but even that was fudged and quickly shoved aside.

The whole thing ended with the proposal in a tent set against an African sunset. Anyone who has seen The Only Way Is Essex, will know what Glamping is, and Wills and Kate were glamping in style.

They say you can't polish a turd, well I'd say, Channel Five have certainly got the Mr. Sheen out for this one.

Over