The X Factor.

For the past 4 years, I have been a loyal X Factor viewer. I would tune in every Saturday night to see the contestants sing, see the judges fight and see Dermot suck up to Simon and then I would turn on ITV2 and watch the Xtra Factor just for kicks. But since the new season started, I have to admit I’ve only seen one episode!

I was never really a fan of the audition stages anyway but I would always grudgingly sit through them, picking out my winners and possible finalists. But this year for some reason or another I didn’t catch one single audition. So two weeks ago I made myself sit down and watch an episode, which thank fully was Boot Camp, a round I usually enjoy, but not this time. I sat there all ready to get involved but after twenty minutes and still I hadn’t seen anyone sing. I felt like I was watching an episode of Big Brother not the X Factor. There was alcohol, there was a hot tub, there was a sex scandal and there were (predictably) a lot of tears. But no singing.

Eventually, somewhere around the 2nd advert break, someone belted out a tune or two and all I could think was ‘seen it’. I'd heard every comment from the judges before, I'd seen the quirky singers before and no matter how outrageous some of the contestants wanted to be, there was nothing I hadn't seen before. Another Leona, another Cher Lloyd, another Olly Murs. It was all so tedious. It made me ask the question, how does Louie Walsh do this year in year out.

The following week I never got around to watching the judges houses episode before finding out who had gone through so I decided to not bother watching. but when I read the names of the finalists I realised I didn’t know any of them!

Well that’s not strictly true, it’s been hard to avoid Kitty and Frankie due to the amount of column inches they’ve been getting and only a moron wouldn't have realised they weren't going through to the live shows.

Which has led me to make the decision that I won’t be watching another episode. I’m done with the X Factor. There’s no reason for it, i don’t dislike the panel, I don’t think the shows dipped in quality since the departure of Simon, Cheryl and Danni and I don’t think the standard of the contestants has gone down. I’m just not interested anymore and I just don’t have the TV time.

Who can honestly say that they have the time to clear their TV and film schedule up until Christmas in order watch the X factor every Saturday night, then do the exact same on Sunday. I certainly can’t. I have other things to watch and this year X Factor isn’t on my list. It isn’t even on my planner anymore.

The X Factor USA - Gamu's Revenge.

So America has snubbed our nations sweetheart. Thats right, despite only being in the job for two weeks, Cheryl Cole has been sacked from the X Factor USA and her job has been given to co-host Nicole Sherzinger! The papers are claiming her thick Geordie accent is to blame, but they're also saying she didn’t have any chemistry with Paula Abdul. Personally I think there's a lot more to it then that and the whole story raises a lot of questions.

So: Was hiring Cheryl a publicity stunt in the first place? Was she always going to be sacked to gain publicity for the show? Why was the news released on the same day as the American Idol final? Did Paula get jealous of Cheryl and Simon’s relationship? Was Nicole Sherzinger always there as a replacement judge? Did Gamu instigate the whole thing, in some sort of evil genius revenge plot? Is it just a coincidence that Cheryl gets the sack the day after Geordie Shore airs on TV? Who Knows?

All we do know is that FOX have shown Cheryl the door and her so-called best friend has stabbed her in the back. So what happens for Cheryl now? Is she come back to the UK X Factor? Will she save our version from imploding? Or is she going to throw her dummy out the pram and tell Cowell to shove his show where the sun don’t shine?

If she does come back and that’s a big if, she should make a few demands. The first one should be making sure she's the head judge. If she returned, she would be the most senior judge on the panel (Louie doesn't count) and therefore should get the best chair. Gary Barlow shouldn’t automatically get it, just because he's replacing Simon. It would also give her a little bit of dignity which she needs right now. She should also demand a pay rise from Cowell. Not that she needs the money but it’s the least he can do after the way she's been treated. And finally she should demand that Danni Minogue is reinstated immediately. That last part isn't going to happen but now Cheryl understands how Danni's been treated over the past couple of years she should fight her corner.

The thing is if he plays it properly this won't destroy her career. Ant and Dec tried their hand in America and failed miserably, no one remembers that. Robbie Williams didn't make it in America, Oasis didn't make it in America and it hasn't made the slightest difference to them. No, as long as Cheryl gets her head straight and doesn't run into the arms of Ashley Cole she will be fine.

The idea situation of course is that she comes back as head judge and saves our version from imploding into a big old chavvy NDUBZ mess. By doing that she will immediatly reinstate herself as the nations sweetheart and make sure the X Factor reigns as the best reality TV show out there.

UPDATE: If you thought the speculation of Cheryl getting the job on X Factor USA was exhausting, it's just got a whole lot worse. Now we get to read about whether she's going to be on the UK show or not. According to todays reports, she's gone on a complete sulk and is refusing to come back, thus commiting career suicide and leaving us with Tulisa! I'll update more on Wednesday which is when we will have our offical panel but for the love of god can someone just hand Danni a wad of cash and put her on a Qauntas flight! Now!

Get on with it already - X Factor USA

So it’s been however many weeks since the X Factor USA advert during the Superbowl, where we were told this was going to be the biggest thing on TV in living history, but yet we still don’t know who’s going to be on the bloody show. And as more time passes the less I’m starting to care.

Now don’t get me wrong I love a X Factor story as much as the next person but I don’t honestly know how much more speculation I can stomach. How many times can I person read the same story over and over again... Cheryl Cole has the job, Cheryl Cole hasn’t got the job, Rhianna’s doing it, Mariah Carrey doesn’t have the time to do it, the panels going to surprise people, there will be two hosts or possibly one host but it doesn’t matter anyway because it’s going to be the best show EV-AH! It really is enough to drive a person insane.

Sure we’ve had the announcement of LA Reid as the second male judge but in the famous words of Big Brothers Nikki Grame ‘Who is he?’ (or am I just out of touch?) Really the only thing people care about is, who the female judges are going to be and who will be sitting next to Simon Cowell? But alas it seems the producers are intent on withholding this information from us. A FOX spokesperson said last night we may have to wait until the end of April to find out the final judging panel. Just imagine how many stories the Daily Mail would have wrote about Cheryl Cole and her X Factor woes by then.

Meanwhile American Idol is slowly but surely plodding along and doing fairy well without Simon Cowell. There was a singing show that just got its head down, picked the right judging panel, didn’t create a fuss and pretty much got on with it. And you know what it worked. The judges have a brilliant chemistry, after ten years of being on the air the show feels fresh and thankfully it doesn’t have a spiteful edge to it any more. There are no smoke and mirrors with AI something that its new rival definitely has.

The thing is the X Factor doesn’t need to create all this hoo haa to get people excited about the show, because depsite all this ridiculous build up it is a good TV progreamme! But the longer this whole ‘whositgonnabe’ farce continues the quicker people are going to get bored of the X Factor and it hasn’t even started yet!

By the time you read this it we may already know who will be on the panel, or not, either way I'm not sure I can be bothered to care anymore.

Who will Simon choose?

Last night was the National Television Awards and good god wasn’t it dull? It was completely self indulgent and a massive snooze fest but it did provide us with a couple of TV gems.

The first one being, Konnie Huq telling a reporter she would be back as the Xtra Factor host next year. Clearly Simon hasn’t got around to giving her, her P45 yet. He will soon enough.

The second was Bruce Forsyth announcing his retirement live on TV. For a few seconds Strictly Come Dancing viewers were actually looking forward to being able to watch the show without fast forwarding whenever Bruce was alone on screen. But only two seconds later (after the crowd protested weakly) he said it was all a joke (he likes those) and that he wasn’t going anywhere. Any hopes SCD fans had for next season were well and truly crushed.

The only news worthy information to come out of last night was that Simon Cowell will be announcing the judges of X Factor USA in two weeks time. If the look on Cheryl Coles face was anything to go by I think it’s safe to say she hasn’t got the gig. Of course I thought Richard Keys and Andy Gray were going to get away scot free, so what do I know?

Anyway I thought it might be a good idea to give Cowell a hand in picking his judge’s and made a little list of possible candidates. Although I’m not even going to pretend I have any idea who the other male judge is, so I’m just going to concentrate on the ladies.

Cheryl Cole: Cheryl of course does a stand up job here in the UK and we all love her (except for when she’s putting through crying rappers at bootcamp, over talented ladies and refusing to vote) But Fox are worried she isn’t famous enough in the US, and it is widely rumoured she may just take on the Sinnita role instead (the Sinnita role being pretending to help Simon do his job but really just getting some screen time) And I never thought I’d say this but I have to agree with Fox. I think it would be a mistake letting her be a judge on the US version. She is unknown and they wouldn’t get why we like her so much, sometimes I don’t even know why we like her so much. They should instead make her the head judge on the UK version as Simon clearly won’t be around until the live shows.

Nicole Sherzinger: She pretty much secured her place when she stood in for Danni last year at the adutions and boot camp. She was fun, friendly, firm and completly got what the job was about. She will be a massive hit if she gets the gig, which she probably already has.

Katy Perry: Also did well as a guest judge on the UK version, but she did have a lot to say for herself and apparently annoyed Simon quite a bit which may have damaged her chances. She would add some glamour to the show and it would be nice to see someone other than Louie stand up to Simon.

Rhianna: has the potential to be the Cheryl Cole of the US. She has gone through a rough time with her boyfriend just like Cheryl and is extremely popular, again just like Cheryl. However she has never mentored or guest judged on the UK version so she is unproven and if she was a flop it would be a big embarrassment.

Apparently two of these four will be judges and I guess we will know in the next couple of weeks, if I had it my way I’d go Rhinna and Nicole Sherzinger. Either way I’m sure there will be some surprises. There always is with the X Factor.