TOWIE is back!

Abysmal acting, silly story-lines, and dodgy dialogue have long been the staples of British TV, so a cheer went up, around the country, this week as one of the titans of the genre returned. TOWIE is back. But shock of shocks, well to anyone who doesn't scour the Internet or read celebrity magazines, its star has departed. No more Amy Childs, the beating heart, the solid foundation on which the show was built has gone. Imagine the Teletubbies without Tinky Winky and you've basically got how it feels. Empty right? So a lot of repositioning has had to be done.

First off Mark has gone from laddish Lothario to a simpering Mr. Darcy lite type character. Highlighted quite superbly by his scene with, lovable oaf, Arg. Mark appeared pained as he gazed into the distance. Lauren is gone and Arg just isn't there for him anymore. The audience was moved to tears, tears of laughter. The aforementioned Lauren has now, out of nowhere, become chummy with Lauren P (Popey of old) You'll be glad to know Lauren P (Popey of old) still looks like a highly attractive Jar Jar Binks. Kirk has suddenly become James Bond, well he does sort of resemble a Big Issue version of Daniel Craig, so why not. He buzzes about in his Ferrari impressing no one but himself.

In a show jam packed with potential village idiots, it speaks volumes for the man, that Joey Essex stands head and shoulders above them all. Almost every sentence he utters is stupid beyond belief, at best, this is some of the greatest comic acting the show has to offer and should be savoured. Most to suffer from the Sainted Amy's departure seem to be Sam and Harry, the poor dears are cast adrift, standing around waiting to be vagazzled. Of the peripheral characters, the only real storyline is that Lucy, seems to be imprisoned by her boyfriend's penis. It was a frightening scene as Lucy was told, Cinderella like, that she couldn't go to Jess's party, because the penis said so. Or that's how I took it, I'm sure you did too.

Will Towie survive without Amy? It looks like it will. But if things start to slide she can always come out of the shower, at the end of the series, and declare it was all a dream.

Over