As you all know we at Armchair Assassins have some of the best investigative journalists on the Internet, and we have come up with the goods yet again as we uncover the truth behind TOWIE. A whistle blower has told us they are all actors and we can now exclusively reveal their real names and chequered theatrical pasts.
Our insider told us that James 'Arg' Argent is really a jobbing West End actor named Jimmy Silver. According to our whistle blower Mr. Silver was cast for his golden voice, the producers snapped him up when The Silence of the Lambs The Musical closed after one week. Apparently it has been a bonus he is such a gifted comedian. Also, our insider told us that Lauren Pope, whose real name is Felicity Plankton-Smythe, played Jar Jar Binks hot girlfriend in 'The Phantom Menace'. Sadly the scenes were cut. But the good news is George Lucas is restoring them for his seven hour Special Edition of The Phantom Menace, due for release next year. Can't wait. Our whistle blower informed us that Mick, real name Mick Mickson, is the most experienced actor in the cast. He appeared in over twelve thousand episodes of The Bill making the roles of Distressed Passerby number one and Irate Barman number two his own.
Also confirmed, but we all kind of thought it, Joey Essex is in fact Hollywood Star Val Kilmer. Mr. Kilmer's agent refused to comment when we contacted her last night.
Sam, real name Nadia Ludmilla, had previously made her name as a voice over artist most famously narrating the hit ITV 2 show When Hamsters Attack. We can also reveal Diags is soap royalty, none other than Jesse Birdsall, who played Marcus Tandy in El Dorado. According to our whistle blower: "Marcus, err Jesse, is a real trooper he is in make up for hours, every one of those acne scars have to be meticulously painted on. It makes the Elephant Man make up look like a light dusting of blusher"
Probably the person who suffers most, for her art, is Meryl Pfeiffer who plays Gemma, inspired by Robert De Nero, in Raging Bull, and John Travolta, in Hairspray, consummate method actor Meryl put on eight stone to make Gemma the vibrant character we all love. We have saved the biggest bombshell for last, our whistle blower told us that Essex actually doesn't exist, it is an amalgam of Tolkien's Middle Earth, Desperate Housewives Wisteria Lane and that place The Smurfs lived.
I feel our revelations shouldn't spoil your enjoyment of TOWIE, but enhance it; now you know the suffering these talented artists go through to bring you reality.
Don't miss our next investigative coup, when we reveal there are no actors in Eastenders!
Scoop Scoopington.
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