The Valleys.

While watching the first episode of The Valleys I was reminded of those Hannibal Lecter lines, to Clarice, in The Silence of the Lambs: "All those tedious sticky bumblings, in the back seats of cars, while you could only dream of getting out, getting anywhere...Getting all the way to the FBI". Well obviously the cast of the Valleys are not up to the FBI, they're not up to MFI, but for FBI substitute Cardiff. Because this motley crew all want out, of their rundown home towns, they want the bright lights, big city world of Cardiff, I can only assume they had their heads turned by Torchwood. 

So what do we make of the lucky eight who have escaped the apparent desolation of the Valleys? No specific towns were mentioned, it was just the Valleys and the way they were portrayed made 28 Days Later look like Monaco. Well the eight seem a lot more like Big Brother contestants than our Geordie Shore heroes; I should think everyone of them have multiple rejections from BB. First off we have Lateysha, who sees herself as a kind of Beyonce figure (levels of delusion are very high in this show) as she strode past the pound-shops of her home town. Then there's Chidgey (no I have no idea either) a brickie slash body builder who wants to be a, take a guess, model. He has obviously studied Geordie Shore's Jay, because he seems to ape his movements a lot. Next cab off the rank is Aron a kick boxer who seems to have a disturbing penchant for getting his arse out and wobbling it. Exactly how many years of therapy it would take to cure this is unknown. Nicole is the flake of the bunch with her hippie clothes and hair that looks like she should be in Babylon 5. We were teased with her willingness to release bodily fluids so she is obviously the new Charlotte. Then there's Leeroy, a street poet and he know it. It sounds like he should talk in rhyme all the time, but does not a lot. Like the rest he's going to be a big star someday, so he says. Jenna has a law degree, but wants to be a glamour model (didn't I see Anna Faris in that film?), she also has the scariest parents this side of The Hills Have Eyes. When she took Chidgey to meet mum it was the most intimidating thing I've seen in ages. Carley only really made her mark by getting seriously drunk, at a club, then doing the spider walk thing from The Exorcist. In the morning, with her glasses on, she looked a lot like Chris Evans. Lastly there's Liam, he's the sensible one, but he has a secret, he's gay. When he broke the news, to the group, was the one moment of tension in the episode. Overseeing all this is Jordan the boss, who looks like he failed the auditions for Gladiators. Whether his role is to help and transform this mob, in a Dangerous Minds sty-le, or just look on like the useless Cancun Chris remains to be seen.

Episode one was the intro really, next week the fun and games begin in earnest.

Over