Ernie Welthorpe RIP

It is with great sadness that we must announce the death of Ernie Wellthorpe. Although Ernie was well admired for his forthright views on television, however, he was the kind of person who alienated and ' got on the tits' of all those around him. So the circumstances surrounding his death have been complied from eyewitness statements from disgruntled neighbours and a pissed off care worker. It seemed the problem started when Ernie found all his television channels were gone. " He made me take the back of his TV off," said his care worker, who wishes to remain anonymous because she despised Ernie so much.

" He made me fiddle with all the tubes and wires; when I told him this wasn't part of my job description he just shouted 'shut up and and keep twiddling' ".

It appears when the care worker failed to get any reception Ernie got more and more irate.

" It really came to a head when he couldn't watch Doctors," said a neighbour who also wishes to remain anonymous because, in his words, he hated Ernie's guts. " We could hear the stream of abuse and foul language from our conservatory, we had to plug the dog's ears with cotton wool."

Ernie's next move was foolhardy to say the least. " Well I saw him on the roof I shouted up to him what was the problem, " said another neighbour who, as you guessed it, wanted to remain anonymous. " He yelled back that he'd lost his television channels, but I should mind my own business. I really should've told him the analog signal had been turned off, but it was so funny watching him push and pull the aerial round. How was I to know he was going to do a Rod Hull?"

Yes, Ernie replicated the death of the much loved light entertainment performer of the 70's and 80's and plunged from the roof. Ironically Ernie was pronounced dead just as People Do The Stupidest Things was about to start on 5.

Ernie's funeral will be held next week if any of you wish to come along. According to the undertaker, who wishes to remain anonymous, " There will be lots of seats, this is not likely to be one of our more well attended affairs. "

So, to paraphrase Barbara Streisand, " It's the laughter, we will remember, whenever we remember Ernie Wellthorpe."