The Diamond Jubilee....

Did you sit through five hours of the Thames Pageant and four hours of the Jubilee Concert, then shake your head and say: ' I'll never get that time back'? Well good news, I have had a word with the Higher Powers and they have deemed the whole thing 'soooo borrring' (their words) that  they will give you those hours back. They will now be tacked on to the end of our lives. So as you sat through the sight of soggy boat after soggy boat, tired looking Royals, and herds of drenched people making out they were having the greatest time, you won't have wasted any 

of your life. 

All those hours of watching endless BBC presenters, Fearne Cotten patronising everyone within a twenty meter radius, Tess Daly failing miserably to look like she wanted to be in Battersea Park, Anneka Rice (come on you thought she was dead too) ruining all those artists paintings, and SophieRayworth's whole jolly hockey sticks approach to the day, well none of that was wasted time.

Even better news, about the Diamond Jubilee Concert, watching the mind numbingly poor 'comedy' routines of Rob Brydon and Miranda Hart and witnessing their jokes fall flatter than Cheryl Cole's voice, well none of that was time you could have spent doing something better. Sitting with your mouth open as Annie Lennox warbled away like a demented thrush and feeling you were hallucinating as Grace Jones hula-hooped her way through her set;well none of that time was squandered. Same with Sir Cliff as he went through his decades of hits ( wasn't it good to hear Wired For Sound again?) and numerous opera singers doing songs from the adverts. Also you will be getting back the time you sat there watching Rolf Harris do Two Little Boys ( only to be cut short) and Gary Barlow and the staff of Lidil do that Sing thing they did.

So to apply for your hours refund just simply put your name and address on a postcard and send it to The Higher Powers and put: Please, please, please give me my Diamond Jubilee hours back. Sadly I did try to get the same deal for those of us who watch TOWIE, but the Higher Powers told me to naff off.

Over