The Armchair Assassins end of year awards were held at Spangles night club in Gillingham and we are contractually obligated to inform you Spangles serves the best chicken in a basket either side of the Dartford Tunnel. It was a glamour fuelled affair and was hosted by long time friend of the event Mr Frankie Cocozza. Now he is no longer considered an A Lister, in some circles, Frankie was a consummate professional turning up sober and on time unlike most everyone else. Our opening act was supposed to be that geezer who came third in The Voice this year, but he is now the cheese filler at the Spud-U-Like in Bognor so he couldn't get the night off. Sadly all in attendance wished our headliner was also in Bognor. Our own Shayne Wayne was supposed to give us his street beat poetry greatest hits. But, for some reason, he had his entire ouvre translated into Klingon. So after two hours of grunts and shouts even the most ardent Trekkie would have thought it was a good day to die. By the time Shayne Wayne was bundled off the crowd was boozy, angry ,uglyand had little interest in the awards themselves. Needless to say Spangles told us they found our behaviour unacceptable even by Gillingham standards. None of the awards were collected, so when Frankie Cocozza asked what he should do with the statuettes the reply was stick them up your a#%e or throw them in the Medway. Needless to sayFrankie threw them in the Medway. So here are the award winners,which we hope you find marginally more interesting than our booze fuelled rabble of an audience.
The Madly Entertaining Award...... The Apprentice.
Best Drama Series...... A tie between Fargo and The Affair.
The If he is dead why should we give a toss what happens at The Wall Award..... Jon Snow.
Most Disappointing Ending Award..... A tie between Mr Robot and Secrets and Lies.
Most Glaringly Obvious Twist Award..... Mr Robot.
Sadly Most Under watched Show Award..... The Last Man on Earth.
Sadly Most Over watched Show..... Sherlock.
Most Pointless Time Jump Award...... Fear The Walking Dead.
Best Mini Series..... Show Me A Hero.
The Count Arthur Strong Hidden Gem Award.... Detectorists.
The Unexpected Joy Award..... Agent Carter.
The Money Supermarket Worst Advert Award...... That no, no,no, no Joe Hart Dandruff thing.
Comedy of the Year..... People Just Do Nothing.
Woman of the Year..... Wentworth's Joan Ferguson.
Man of the Year..... A tie between People Just Do Nothing's MC Grindah and DJ Beats.
The Better Than Night Nurse zzzzz Award..... London Spy.
The Surprisingly Still Going Strong Award...... Homeland.
The Splash Did That Really Happen? Award..... Flock Stars.
Special Thanks Award goes to ITV Encore for bringing back The Americans..
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