Shayne Wayne Gets Our New Banking Venture Going!

When we first started out Armchair Assassins was nothing more than a TV review site. But since our humble beginnings we have burgeoned into a somewhat middling (ish )  corporation. We now have a mildly exploitative Television channel, a thriving funeral business and several insurance and betting scams, err, companies up and running. But now we are moving into the biggest racket of them all banking. The Armchair Assassins Building and Loan will soon be open for business. We paid a fortune to consultants and they told us building and loan sounds friendlier than a bank.
"Well yes," we told the over-paid idiots. "we've see It's A Wonderful Life too."
They also informed us we would need a pretentious poet to deliver our mission statement. Well we had that covered with our very own Shayne Wayne. So here he is with the introduction to the Armchair Assassins Building and Loan.

Please note this should be read with a reasonably rousing bit of Elgar, or over poppy hip-hop in the background. Or preferably both.

*At the Armchair Assassins Building and Loan we know money ain't every 'ting,
'Cos there's walking football, urban gardens, and learning how to sing.
We are honest and true, no we will never fiddle our stats,
We're cute little kitten not nasty fat cats.
Our rates are so good you will never ever grouse
But please pay us back or we'll have to take your house.
We are so caring you can see just how much our love for you flows
So please, please, please, please, please, please don't force us to foreclose.
We are so forward thinking it makes me want to cry,
Who knows we might even bring back PPI.

Wow, I think you will agree Shayne Wayne has hit the perfect note as usual. So lift up that mattress, empty that sock drawer and give us all your money now.

*All of what Shayne Wayne says might well not be Building and Loan policy. In fact its probably not.

Your Sports Car or a Bit More Time... You Choose.

 Welcome to Armchair Assassins We Buy Any Top of the Range Sports Car .Com Type Thing.
Deep down we know you value an extra half an hour, of your time, more than your treasured, luxury Lamborghini,  Maserati or Porsche ( hey we'll even take your Aston Martin, we're not fussy ). So for that reason we will give you a pittance, err, some money for it right there on the spot. We know you could probably get a better price elsewhere ( yes, we did just say that ) but think about that extra half hour you just saved yourself. That's a little bit more time to put your holiday snaps on facebook or watch an episode of Big Bang Theory. So ask yourself, what means more to you?... I think we know the answer. So why not give us a call at Armchair Assassins and we will give you pennies, err, some wonga for your gleaming ( preferably new ) pride and joy.
This is an  Armchair Assassins Offer that you would be a fool to take, err, a fool not to take.

Andy Advert New Year Volkswagen Rant.

How much do you hate that Volkswagen advert? You know the one where the parents are taking their kids to school. One car one kid, in my day you took the bus. Anyway, the kids with their snooty, parents are sitting their sulking embarrassed and indignant. But the kid in the white Volkswagen is listening to hip-hop with her bearded hipster father. The pair of them smugly bouncing up and down; while groups of envious passers by look on like they are driving the Batmobile or a time travelling De Lorean.  What do these people usually see going along this road horse drawn carriages? Anyway, as they pull up the hipster dad attempts a fist bump and the ungrateful kid just slouches off embarrassed and indignant. But when the daughter gets out, guess what the dad still plays the same music so we know the hip hipster really does love hip hop and he smiles as his on board computer type thing tells him of a rescheduled meeting and he smugly drives off. But here's the odd thing, an advert break, or so, later, and there is the same bearded actor in a Quick Quid commercial. Only this time he's standing by his broken down car, without a pot to piss in and in need of a pay day loan. Is this the same character fallen on hard times? The smug Volkswagen gone, no more rescheduled meetings, and he's in need of money. How will his bratty kid take it having to be driven to school in a beat up old thing? Not well would be my guess and I'll bet and all those admiring passers by now probably just ignore the downfallen hipster. Perhaps this is a new trend in adverts, where over smug characters get their comeuppance. Oh the joy when a similar fate befalls the over-smug Ben Miller and Ruth Jones in those awful bloody Tesco ads.
Andy

Armchair Assassins End of Yeat Awards 2016 Ends in Wildlife Disaster!

As you may have read in the Prestatyn Daily Bugle our end of year awards ceremony ended quite badly. However it wasn't as terrible as reported and certainly not the 'stain on the town that will take decades to erase' as they put it. So perhaps it is better we put our side of the events.
OK, we certainly shouldn't have held the awards ceremony in the car park of the closed down British  Home Stores, but then again how were we to know it suffered from a chronic rat infestation that made it the favourite hang out of every urban fox in the whole of Denbigshire. But we though the squeals of dying, chewed up, rats would be overwhelmed by the glitz and glamour of our event. Another blow was the fact our regular host, Frankie Cocozza seems to have dropped off the face of the earth. We became so alarmed that we had to look up and see if he wasn't part of last years celebrity death epidemic; thankfully he wasn't. But without Frankie we went to our, let's be diplomatic, and call him our second choice Chico. We knew we had kind of made a mistake when Chico came on and shouted "What time is it?" and our audience looked at their watches and phones totally baffled. When he followed it up with "It's Chico time!" the surly crowd seemed even more bemused.
But really everyone was there to see our star attraction. It was Moose, the dog from the Clear Score adverts. So as the crowd stared chanting "We want Moose" and "What Doing?" as Chico was delivering his reasonably energetic set we thought it best to get the canine superstar on stage. However there was a slight mix up and we hired the wrong Moose. The one we got was from a long forgotten 90s kids show. In our defence how many famous dogs called Moose can there be? So when an arthritic cockapoo hobbled on stage the crowd went wild shouting "That's not Moose!... What doing?" But before they could take action Moose was attacked by half a dozen ravenous foxes and a couple of robust rats. After  Moose was nastily disposed of the pack immediately went for Chico. Who, in his defence, put up a hell of a fight The sight of this gory feeding frenzy sent our surly audience running from the car park hotly pursued by the newly allied rats and foxes. So after that we decided to perhaps call it a day. Also we would like to correct the local radio news station that reported an escaped Moose had killed an ex X Factor Star. Well we decided to pack up the award trophies and get out of Prestatyn before they, run us out on a rail or constructed a wicker man for us. But our awards had disappeared. We later found out that when Chico realised to wasn't going to get paid he took the trophies to the local Cash Converters. Fair enough I suppose, because he did spent a week or so in hospital with various fox and rat bites.
So if all goes well we will be back next year bigger and better. But, just in case, we've  hired a private detective to find Frankie Cocozza, so fingers crossed.
Over

Andy Advert. More Stuff Is Getting On His Nerves.

These bloody adverts never stop annoying me. OK you might say just turn them off, but no. It's like when you've got a mouth ulcer, or something, you just can't stop rubbing your tongue on it aggravating it more and more. Well that's how it is with me and adverts.
The one that gets me riled is that Gusto one where the woman makes a chicken whatever and the geezer looks at it like its a table full of gold bullion. What do these people usually eat on a Wednesday night Pot Noodle and cat turds?
And another one that gets my goat is that iPhone 'This is my this, this my that' one. This is my bloody annoying advert more like. And the photos all look like those ones that came  with a sticker on them when you got your holiday snaps back from Boots.
Also I love the way all those bingo site ads have rooms full of people playing their on line game. No that was old bingo where people sat together. On line bingo is where sad people sit alone and lose all their money.
Plus if I see another advert where some old duffer tells me to take out life insurance I'll scream. I'll be dead, it won't matter to me if I'm dumped in a landfill and sod leaving anything to the grand kids.
It makes your blood boil!

Andy Advert adverts annoy him.

We at Armchair Assassins welcome a new star in the world of bloggers. Andy Advert only watches the ad breaks. But they annoy him so much he spends long terms in hospital because he has pink fits ( that is a medical term ) when watching them. Here is his first set of observations.
Hello everyone adverts nearly make my head explode, but I can't stop watching them. What has sent me into a frenzy was that Halifax one with the wrong sounding Top Cat. Why bother if he doesn't sound right? My blood pressure was bad as I viewed it but then it went off the chart when I heard Benny the Ball he's worse. I feel sorry for that girl who used to be in Brookside she didn't even get to meet the real Top Cat. Also is it me or does James Corden sound spectacularly insincere in his voice overs. My blood pressure is going up I can feel it. Worst bit of acting is that bloke who holds his back going up the stairs in one of those injury are. My god it gets to me, someone call an ambulance!

Smug Adverts Rising.

How much do you dislike that smug hipster on the Co Operative Bank adverts. You know the one, where he thinks planting a few daffodils on a bit of waste land makes him Mother Teresa. And admit it you've thought about what drunken thugs will do to his self satisfied urban garden of a Friday night. But why do advertisers think smug dicks are aspirational to the rest of us? Why not give us ordinary people.
Hey I spend my spare time eating processed food and watching repeats of NCIS and CSI. Every now and then I'll go to the fridge and grab a beer. I won't move off the sofa until the wife shouts ' Come to bed you're not Grissom and you never will be!'.
So that's  why I'm an inspiration to others and I bank with Armchair Assassins Building and Loan.
Now that's better than self satisfied hipsters isn't it.
Over